SOMEONE FIXED IT.

From Scott Versago: “I got to tackle the official “#1 worst portrait tattoo in the world” today. I’m sure you’ve all seen it a million times online, as had I. I couldn’t believe my eyes when this guy walked in and showed me this project. I think my jaw literally hit the floor. He went on to tell me the story behind the portrait; He had just married his beautiful wife and not even three months afterwards she was killed in a horrible house fire accident leaving him to raise their three children alone. Shortly after he went to a local tattoo studio to memorialize his wife and was left with this abomination. He later returned to that studio for one more session, thinking that perhaps “he had done something wrong in the healing of the tattoo” and they butchered it even more the second time. Finally, he drove all the way to my studio, Empire Ink, just to meet me and to see what his options were. Touched by his story, I gifted the entire project to him for free. Now he has closure and I have an amazing story to add to my portfolio!”

I just want you guys to know that this guy is alive somewhere living his life with a giant American flag face tattoo.

And there was an artist that thought this was a good idea.

So I found this in my inbox today.

fucknobadtattoos:

Found on the Facebook page for the tattoo shop nearest me. Caption on the photo: “Love my tattoo!(Imperfection is Beauty) Looks wonderful & I highly recommend this place to everyone around me(:”
Well between the most generic font possible, terrible awkward spacing between words, and blurry elephant with fluffy paws; I’d say there’s a whole lot of imperfection for her to love.

submitted by anon

Bahahahaha the best part is the elephant tattoo. If it looks familiar, it’s because it’s been ripped off ten thousand times from a FYeahTattoos post like a year ago.

I seriously managed to find those picture in less than a minute on google that’s how many xeroxes of this have been made. (I believe the last one is the original? I have a pretty decent memory for these things…)

Let this stand as a metaphor for people who get cheap rip-off tattoos they saw on Tumblr.

Somehow, you can make these birds-exploding-from-a-feather tattoos worse?

Hey look Scarlett Johansson got a new—

1. It’s absolutely fake. This one should be pretty obvious. Everyone seems to understand Jersey Shore and the OC are full of shit—but somehow Miami Ink had street cred? All the faux-reality “drama” in their shop is for ratings and has nothing to do with how a real shop operates.
2. It has little to do with real talent. I’ve already posted about the quality of Kat Von D’s work here, but it’s pretty bad. How are kids supposed to know anything about tattooing when all they see is shitty line work from a hot girl in California? It lowers the standards for everyone and cheapens the craft.
3. It’s not about the tattoos. Have you noticed how, outside of a few sob stories, there’s very little actual tattooing in most of these shows? Mostly it’s interpersonal drama set up so Viacom and Discovery can profit off of their new little celebrities.
4. It can be dangerous. Until the fury of every tattoo artist in the country was directed at them, TLC nearly aired a show called “tattoo school” about training tattoo artists en mass and leaving them to “graduate” as tattoo artists after only a few weeks. They were taught almost nothing and allowed to give people free, shitty tattoos on national TV. Um… what!?
5. It takes power away from the industry and into the hands of TV execs. Unless you want tattooing to become as elite and bullshit as the gallery art system, we need to continue developing our own means to share and promote good artists. Remember a year ago when David Hale first appeared on FuckYeahTattoos? A few months later he had booked out for over a year. Artists win awards at conventions to prove their worth—not by winning contracts. It should be by our own means that good artists are developed and recognized—not because the Oxygen Network has a contest. (Yeah, even Oxygen is getting in on this. I bet Disney is next.)

With the popularity of tattooing and the rising awareness that you need a formal education, “tattoo schools” are popping up around the country, guaranteeing they’ll teach you how to tattoo in as little as two weeks. And, of course, it’s a scam.

Here are some photos from one of the bigger tattoo schools in Michigan, and why you can’t trust shit.

A formal apprenticeship takes 3-5 years. During that time you’ll mostly be learning how to  eat shit from the established tattoo artists in the shop, cleaning/setting up for them, and generally learning about tattooing. Apprenticeships weed out the weak. Plus, they’re super hard to come by. Tattoo schools are a short cut for those who don’t want to invest in this formal education, or who won’t be accepted. Do you really want to be tattooed by someone who isn’t invested or good enough?

In a formal apprenticeship, you also learn about safety. Why shops shouldn’t have fabric chairs for clients. Why you wear gloves. Most tattoo schools will cover this because of how widely the importance of it is understood, but do you want to trust your body to someone with years of understanding of bloodborn pathogens, HIV, infections, and sanitation—or two weeks?

More importantly, tattoo schools cheapen the value of real artists. Formal apprenticeships are the equivalent to an undergrad. They take the same time commitment and demonstrate the same level of understanding.

You wouldn’t trust a stranger with a calculator to do your taxes. Don’t trust someone with a tattoo machine to do your tattoos unless they have the background and experience to be a tattoo artist.

Found this on We Heart It. Cue facepalm.

This is gonna seem mighty silly in a few years…

STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND FUCKING WATCH THIS. I literally just lulzed like 40 times at this and my boyfriend is just staring at me. Thanks so much to @shopbitch for sending it to me.

Literally. Hysterical laughter.

(Source: critink)

YIKES. I’m cringing so hard, this just showed up on my dash and it’s hurting me. This kid is actually pitching this human as a tattoo artist. LOOK AT IT. OH MY GOOD LAWRRDD. NO. 

I had to share it, I couldn’t handle it alone. 

I’m hoping I don’t have to explain why this is shit to everyone.

Taking Lesson from Rhianna: What Your Tattoos Probably Shouldn’t Look Like

I’ve heard at least two blog credit Rhianna with starting this insane trend of tiny tattoos with bad placement. I cannot find anything about her tattoos that is worth liking—every piece is Bad Tattoos 101. Let’s go through the list.

• NECK: Bad Translations. Outside of what a bad idea neck tattoos are for 99% of the population, Rhianna’s french neck tattoo is also a bad translation. In a leaked text to her tattoo artist, she tried to head off the media’s questions: “rebelle fleur translates to rebel flower, NOT rebelious flower, its 2 nouns so in that case fleur does not HAVE to be first! Fyi, cuz they will ask.”
• FOOT: Too Small. Between the placement and the size, that’s going to turn into a tiny, birthmark-lookin’ smudge in a few years. Also, you can’t tell anything about it from more than a foot away—which is usually too close for comfort for someone’s face to get to your foot! Foot tattoos should be big and bold to hold over time and to see from a distance.
• HAND: Not a Great Idea. For her and her career it’s fine. But for the rest of us? I keep running into all of these young kids (under 20) with no major tattoos except for their hands and neck. WORST. IDEA. EVER. So many employers, banks, cops, and general people with power will discriminate against you because of this. Don’t do it unless you’re already heavily tattooed and know you can handle it.
• INNER FINGER: Falls Out Quickly. And then you’re left with smudges—especially if yours is as bold as hers.
• TOP SHOULDER: For The Birds. No one can see that unless they’re above you. So they’re birds, or their a waiter coming to take your order. And even then, this would be backwards looking to the waiter. Such a weird placement and bad trend.
• SIDE: Tiny tattoo, big canvas. That little gun looks like it’s just floating in space…
• COLLAR BONE: It’s fucking backwards. And you guys get mad at me for calling wrist tattoos “backwards.” This one is really, super messed up. I CAN’T EVEN

(Source: critink)

A classic tattoo is something with history.

Something where the image has stood the test of time over the past 50 years or so. An image that has sprung up again and again, regardless of what time period.

Black and white lion tattoo. This could have been done in the 80’s—you wouldn’t know if it’s taken good care of or touched up now and again.

Skulllllsssss…. (this one by Jeff Gogue) They can look badass, girly, realistic, classic, dot work, stylized… doesn’t matter. These still don’t look as silly as a lot of the ones below. They look aged because of the style that was popular at the time, but not because of the subject.

The Rose. Maybe the single most common tattoo image. Sailor Jerry did them; they came back in the 90’s with tribal; today we do them every which way. As long as they’re crafted well, they’ll never look as out of place as the cliche tattoos we’re about to talk about. (I’m including this picture specifically because of how common banners are. I’d also consider them classic.)

—-

A cliche or kitsch tattoo is a passing trend.

Really, what we consider trendy now is going to end up looking like all of this stuff. Let’s examine a little bit further:

These fairy tattoos were trendy 15 years ago, but now they look dated. No matter what style you do this in. Even if Seth Wood does a fairy, it’s still going to look super 90’s. The only thing that inspired it was what was cool at the time.

Barbed wire tattoos. Any way you slice it bro, that shit is going to look mad 90’s.

You’re all going to hate me now, but guess what this feather is going to look like in 10 years…

—-

This isn’t to say everything falls into either of these categories. But popular imagery does. If something is a common tattoo during a time period, time will tell whether it can hold it’s own or not. More original tattoos will hold their own better than the kitsch ones, without a doubt.

A Lesson In Why You Should Respect Women and Go To Good Tattoo Artists

Singer domestic abuser Chris Brown showed up on a Hard Rock red carpet earlier this month with a new neck tattoo. Spoiler: it looks like an beaten up woman.

“His tattoo is a sugar skull and a MAC cosmetics design he saw,” said an official statement from his rep. “It is not Rihanna or an abused woman as erroneously reported.”

Here in lies the problem with both shitty tattoos and being a piece of shit. Everyone is speculating that this is either [beaten up former girlfriend] with stitches on her lips, or a [racist caricature of another culture]. Either way, it’s a shitty tattoo. It’s too dark around the eyes, there’s no definition, and the overall design is crap. A [well-rendered sugar skull] might be cultural appropriation, but it sure as fuck doesn’t look like a beaten up woman. And yet, this one somehow does.

Below are two images to compare the tattoo to. I think it’s relatively clear that, in fact, he’s ripping off Mac Makeup—not confessing to beating his girlfriend to a pulp.

With all the money in the world, Chris Brown didn’t go to someone who specializes in this style or in working on dark skin, but [this guy] instead. His portfolio isn’t scratch, but even he isn’t featuring this tattoo in his portfolio. Looks like hell, mate.

I think the lessons here are clear:

1. Don’t be a piece of shit—if you love someone, it means you never lay a finger on them, no matter how pissed of you may be. Hitting your partner makes you a coward, nothing more, and no one will ever think it makes you cool or manly.
2. Get good tattoos. Tattoos are cool and you want people to be able to know what they actually are.
3. Chris Brown is useless. Why anyone still finds him relevant is beyond me.