Preparing For Your First Tattoo (Or: How You Know You’re Ready)

I’ve been asked more than a few times the same question by followers who don’t have any tattoos. Its basic enough, and something the rest of us have thought at some point or other I assume. The question is this: how do I know if I really want a tattoo?

Lucky for you guys, I’ve decided to write a guide. Hope this helps!

1. Tell your parents you want to get a tattoo. Let them lecture you for five hours. Once you get one, they’re probably going to do this anyway, so just get it out of the way.

2. Yourenow ready to get your first tattoo! Find a local artist, and give them $300 for a small painting or $2000 for a larger one. Don’t actually let them give it to you completed: just hang an unfinished canvas on your wall for between a few weeks ro a few years. Whenever someone comes over, try not to be weird when they compliment it and you explain its not done yet. You’re now ready to pay for your tattoo!

3. Can you handle the pain? That’s easy enough to figure out. Take a cardboard box large enough to fit your arm and one adult cat. Saw a hole large enough to fit your arm in so it sits like a sleeve. Now go visit animal control and have one of the officers place a feral cat in the box before taping in shut. Let the cat claw up your arm for three hours. Make sure therss a sign near by that says “no whining.” Try to strike up a conversation wigh the animal control officer, acting as naturally as possible. At the ens of your session, have him rouggly slap Vaseline on your arm then make sure you tip him.

4. Let the healing process begin! Grt a sunburn, preferably on you cat-destroyed arm, assuming theres still skin on it. Then every 3 hours have someone slap it. This is what it feels like to moisturize a fresh tattoo! Also, no itching as you’ll ruin it. If you’re planning on getting tattooed in summer, cancel all your plans to visit beaches, pools, or sunshine to keep from ruining your new art.

5. You made it! Now welcome to thw joys of being a tattooed person. Buy a shirt that says “please give me you opinions about how I look” then wear it around for two weeks. You’re now ready for old people, conservatives/religious types, and any white man older than you.

6. Buy a second shirt that says “please ask me stupid questions” and wear that for the following two weeks. Answer everyone politely, and try to go anout your day. Alternatively, this could say “tell me about your bad tattoos” because people with bad tattoos will looooove to show them off once they see you have some too. Unfortunately, those with better tattoos are probably going to talk tattoos less with you than someone who got their boyfriends name tattooed on their neck by their cousin.

7. Ready to get a job? Wear a turtle neck, dress pants, and closed shoes into a sauna. Resist the urge to roll up your clothing. You’re now ready to go to work during summer with your tattoos covered!

8. Lets look a few years down the road now. Smear india ink over the part of your mm ody where you want to be tattooed. Its neen a few decades and your tattoo is faded! Either you can live with it or repeat steps 2-4 to get it touched up.

Congratulations! You’re now ready for your first tattoo. Good luck, and choose a good artist! Remember: you get what you pay for!

  1. thewannabeewriter reblogged this from critink
  2. dare-me-bitch420 reblogged this from critink
  3. hotgrinder reblogged this from critink and added:
    Awesome tattoo prep guide!
  4. benuter reblogged this from critink
  5. buttersugarflourgo reblogged this from critink
  6. punksemenprincess reblogged this from critink
  7. littlestein reblogged this from critink and added:
    #satire
  8. handstied-pagesinked reblogged this from critink
  9. solemntree reblogged this from critink
  10. kaylasaurusrex23 reblogged this from critink and added:
    I really want to see an animated video of this
  11. the-last-visible-dog reblogged this from critink
  12. kwtph reblogged this from purpleblimp
  13. purpleblimp reblogged this from critink
  14. laviefantasque reblogged this from critink
  15. solosamantha reblogged this from critink

349 notes | Posted Apr 21, 13 #tattoos #lulz #tattoo meme #tattoo jokes #first tattoo #art